An interview with psychotherapist and author, Dr. Jeanne Safer about chronic sibling tension and non-communication. Jeanne describes the phenomenon of “sibspeak” where no real communication takes place except the recitation of grievances, the discharge of obligations, and endless attempts to fix the other person. She encourages sibs to take the initiative in naming what is going on directly and asking about the feelings and experiences of each other. She especially talks about the challenges facing siblings when there was blatant favoritism from the parents. She encourages the favored sibling to acknowledge the advantages they received and the fact that they took it for granted as deserved. She encourages the less favored sibling not to let this fact define them as righteous and resentful victims, but to focus on the ways they do indeed have enough in the present. She closes with a description of how Freud overlooked his own favored position as a sibling, a favoritism he felt entitled to and could not examine or apologize for. His blindspot became a blindspot in therapy, where sibling relationships (the longest of our lives) are often overlooked for the deep ways they shape our relational dynamics. Jeanne’s new book is Cain’s Legacy: Liberating Siblings from a Lifetime of rage, shame, secrecy and regret.
Audra says
My two older sisters are my best friends, then and now. but then again my mother did a great job of raising us to have a close bond. we did eveything together and my mom never showed favoritism, often she would do things with us individually (she’d take me out for ice cream, a movie, or just me to help her go grocery shopping) my other sisters also were taken on a ‘one on one’ time trips with my mom. shopping, library, etc.
we still fought, what teenage girl doesn’t fight with her sisters? but we always made ammends on our own without my parent’s needing to intervine.
When I met my husband I was baffled at how his family was so shattered. he was the youngest of 4, his eldest sister is 11 years older, his second eldest sister is 6 years older, his older brother is 3 years older. he is in his 30s and his parents still refer to him and his siblings as “the kids” they never aknowledge my husband as an adult. he does not have a seperate identity from his older brother for they are often referred to as “the boys”. his eldest sister and him have such an age gap that she is little more than a stranger to him that he percieves as “the golden one” because his mother shows blatant favoritism towards her eldest.
As an adult my husband only communicates with his family 3-4 times a year, and only goes to family events fro christmas and easter. He is never invited to family events he is told where to go and what to bring and what time to be there. (which is usually at either his eldest sister’s house or his older brother’s house.)
One of the first times that I met my mother-in-law she couldn’t stop talking to me about how she felt she had too many children, how my husband was a financial strain on her and how she planned the pregnancies of her first two daughters, but her last two kids “the boys” were “accidents” although in recent years i have suspected that my mother-in-law actually did plan on getting pregnant with her last two children beause her arranged marriage oral contract stipulated that she chose the religion of the children and was to be a home-maker not having to have a job so long as she had small children (mother-in-law and father in law were married in the early 60s)
My husband’s family gets a kick out of telling the story about how the eldest daughter was so jealous of the 2nd born (other older sister) that when eldest daughter was 6 years old she rolled her baby sister in a stroller out into the middle of the street in hopes that a car would run her baby sister over. I was horrifed for 2 reasons – the first and most obvious was that this was an acceptable funny family story in my husband’s family (even though everytime they tell it, and that is pretty often I can see the hurt and anger in my husband’s 2nd oldest sister’s face) and 2. that at age 6 the eldest daughter tried to kill her baby sister…
It’s not a surprise that husband’s grown siblings in their 40s are not married, have never dated, and none of them have any children. they are an odd bunch, but at least my husband isn’t too odd. 🙂 i married him young so he had my family’s influence earlier on his life.